Editor’s Note: Apologies to all for claiming to start a blog and then taking a month off after only two posts. I realize that probably resulted in the viewer ship drastically shrinking from eight people to three. I’ll try to be more diligent. Enjoy the third post.
I desire people to like me. I want them to think I’m funny. I want them to ask me to hangout with them, you know be apart of the crowd. I like to boast about my accomplishments or past jokes, to be even funnier of course. Why you ask? Because I covet man’s approval that is why. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last year. Our church Austin Stone has been transformational in that regard. Until recently, I never saw this as a problem. But it has become abundantly clear that it is. Let me tell you why.
Every boy wants to be liked by older men. We all look up to someone because that is how we are wired. (read previous post) For me, it was my uncles. My mother’s brother’s are the coolest, most fun men I know. I loved being with them and I desperately wanted them to like me. Natural correct? Sure, but only if not abused. And given our current state of brokenness it would be virtually impossible to not abuse it. When I say abuse, I mean at what lengths will we go to satisfy our desire. In my case it usually meant lying. I would elaborate stories to gain attention. Or better yet, to stay out of trouble. I knew of the hobbies of certain uncles and I would exaggerate my experience level, only to be found a fraud when the proof was revealed in the pudding. One of the worst examples is when I would convince the younger cousin to do horrible drastic things to get a rise out of the older cousins. Of course, in the natural chain of events, he’s learning the same drastic measures from those of us he looked up to, trying to gain our approval.
Sadly I see these tendencies still in my life today. It would be wonderful to tell you that I have out grown them, but that is the nature of our depravity. Its not merely a maturity issue. Laughing because I convinced my younger cousin to flash the adults, is a maturity issue. But convincing him to do that act so I receive some sort of self gratification in that laughter, goes deeper than not being mature. So how do these habits surface in my life today? Mainly, in fear of rejection. I want to be liked by all, especially JP. I know that I am fully secure in our marriage and nothing can ever ruin that because scripture tells me “therefore what God has joined together let man not separate.” (Mark 10:9) With God, our marriage will be securely fastened regardless of any work done by either one of us. Still being armed with that truth, I hate to let her see me fail. Something inside of me says you always have to be a success one hundred percent of the time. What is it about us that draws us to not be completely vulnerable in front of the person who matters most? Paul tells me that he is stronger in his weaknesses. (2Corinthians 12:9-11) That’s fascinating yet so foreign to me.
It takes me forever to admit to JP when I mess up, even the little things. You should hear the ridiculous perpetual ring around the roses, when she asks me for the 4th time in two weeks, if I have renewed the insurance on her wedding bands. It’s pathetic. I’ll tell her I was busy or forgot, or I’ll give an update on my progress. The best one is when I tell her how I planned to do it yet never did it. What? How does that help? And the worst part, for those thirty seconds that the stupidity is fumbling out of my mouth, I think it’s working! Afterward I’ll sit in silence waiting, not wanting to make eye contact, pondering to myself “I think that worked. You just bought yourself another half week stud! You are so good.” Then the inevitable happens, “Give me a breaaaaaak Millerrrrrr!!!”. I can’t tell you how many breaks I owe JP.
What we have is a Sin issue. I mentioned that it goes deeper than maturity and it does. Sure, with some hard concerted effort I may be able to make a slight change, but old habits die hard. More importantly, sin apart from God always thrives. What I’m talking about is an idol issue. An idol is anything that takes the place of God in our life. I mentioned previously that we try to fulfill our need for God with things around us. Scripture says as much, “they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator” (Romans 1:25) Like I said, it’s how we are wired. We were made to worship and serve God yet we choose to follow our own desires and fulfill our need. This is idolatry.
The notion of idolatry is best explained in the sermons and writings on Idols of the Heart by Tim Keller. I encourage you to look up his writings on this, they bring change. Keller basically claims that apart from God we all believe happiness, goodness, even salvation can all be achieved by something we do or by who we are. Essentially we create our own identity rather than finding it in the redemption of Christ. The four main idols of our heart described by Keller are…. (hope I’m not copyright infringing or plagiarizing here, but hey…I found it on the internet right?) The idols of the heart are Comfort, Approval (me!), Control, and Power. In one shape or form, perhaps in a combination of a few, we find our identity in these models.
People who seek Comfort are those who stress easily about circumstances around them. This is sought through complacency in lack of risk taking for fear of change and stress. Think of the people that hate their job but will never leave to do what they truly love because it is a comfort zone. Approval is wanting love, affirmation, and relationships. This is exhibited in fear of rejection. If you know a pathological liar, they find their worth in approval and wanting to impress, because it makes them feel liked. Control are those who have to be in charge or well planned. Uncertainty, spontaneity, and change of plans are not high on the list. It was put as a joke, that these are your Microsoft Excel lovers. Finally, Power are those that will do anything to gain success and sacrifice family and vacation time to achieve that level of power. These are your competitive types and its seen via fear of humiliation or failure. Think of the successful business professional who works 60-80 hour weeks neglecting family and friends because he wants to gain social status and title.
Now please do not hear judgment in my words. If you are following along I essentially just called myself a pathological liar. I am just as guilty as any example listed, and I’m merely restating what I see as brilliant thoughts from Keller to explain why we seek what we follow. But I know we can all relate to this in one way or another. Can’t you just see yourself in one of the four if not a bit of ALL four examples? Furthermore, I’m assuming, like myself, what you’re pursing in life is lacking. You still feel left unfulfilled. Life still has an emptiness, a void. Sure, that high end job may bring lots of money and new cars, but new cars get old. They wear off. Or worse, that job won’t fix the affair because the wife has no companion at home. Those lies don’t truly make you great at things, they create the perception. Inside is still the absence of being great. Future career path plans may give the appearance of job security, but an economy can go south at a record rate in less than a year, cutting all career control you thought you owned. Loved ones or close friends can bring a sense of comfort, but disease and accidents can remove them just as fast. Can’t you just feel the connection? All of that is momentary satisfaction, it’s fleeting.
What’s the answer? Its simple, the gospel, . And it can be found in the story of the prodigal son. (Luke 15:11-32) I won’t go into full details for space purposes and I’ll let you read the story for yourself. But in essence the younger son comes to his father and asks his dad for his inheritance right away. He runs off for some time, living in a life of sin with prostitutes and debauchery. You can already feel yourself comparing to him “saying I’m not THAT bad”, but that is just where Jesus wants the listeners to the parable to be. When the younger son comes to his senses he returns home to the open loving arms of his father. Immediately they throw a huge party for his return. All the while, the elder son who stayed home throws a hissy. (yeah I said hissy, it’s not even in spell check either) He claims he never received such treatment for his “good” behavior. Don’t you just feel yourself siding with him? Hence why you don’t feel as bad as the younger son when you can’t relate to him. We must be cautious however, the elder son who stayed home, is harboring jealousy and self indignation. He’s forgetting that he is not perfect. The lesson learned is that nothing can be earned by behavior. God’s love is not merited by who we are or how we act. God is our Father and he loves and accepts us just as we are, just like the father in his sons’ return home. Now that is liberating. When He comes to us we must confess our wrong doing i.e. idolatry because it gets us nowhere but further apart from God. Both sons had the wrong focus. The younger was living in wickedness while the elder was living in self righteousness. And that’s exactly where the evil forces of this world would like you to be. Living in pride comparing your holiness to that of others than the example of Jesus.
This would be a great a time to tell that I’ve completely conquered seeking the approval of man, but I can’t. That would be a lie. It’s still a struggle and you will find that too, and that’s okay. The gospel message is transformative, not a time machine. (Time machines would be incredible by the way, or least a teleport. I would love to teleport every Monday rather than drive the three hour round trip to San Antonio.) But, I’m working on seeking my fulfillment in God. I encourage you to do the same. Ask yourself what idol model do you connect with most? What do you hold onto that takes God’s place in your life? I can attest that great advancements have been made, and I think JP would tell you the same. Through my lasting relationship with Christ that He has graced me with, I’ve been able to be assured that He loves me, instead of wondering in my mind during a conversation “do you like me?” Until next time, thanks for stopping by.
Glad to see you blogging, and thanks for walking through this stuff here. I’ll be praying for you bro!